Mother’s Day has been weird for me for quite awhile now.
I left home young, and while I originally got back to see mom, from about 21 on I haven’t really been able to see her for her day.
Living in TO means I have the chance to see my Grandmother, which makes things about as good as they can be in this situation. Between MFH and I, we only have one grandma left. Saying she’s amazing is like saying the world is big. It’s true, but it certainly doesn’t really encompass half of the story.
I’m named after her. (My middle name is her first.) When I was acting, I ended up using my middle name as my last. (My agent thought my actual surname made me sound like a porn star. She was not wrong.) Hence, Ms. Isabella was born.
Anyways, Mother’s Day has felt off for several years. I miss my Mom most days, and Mother’s Day just makes that worse.
This year, though? This year was all sorts of crazy.
I had my plan to spawn in place last Mother’s Day, so you think that I would have had the same feelings then. I didn’t. This was the first Mother’s Day that I actually thought about what it would be like to be a mother myself. And man, it was…strange.
I’ve never once gotten cold feet, and that’s totally not what the strangeness was. It was more the realization that this plan I’ve had in place for over a year is all well and good, but I can’t actually force this thing to work. I’d really like to say this was my last Mother’s Day not being a mother. But who knows how the next few months are going to go?
So…I guess it’s sort of the opposite of cold feet. Not worrying that something’s going to happen, but worrying that something won’t.
And then I feel kinda stupid for worrying at all.
I need to find a balance between forcing this grand plan of mine, and just letting things happen. (I’d also like to get this job, get my sleep schedule back on track…and (really sorry for the TMI) would love to start my g-d period so that I am actually able to start trying to have a baby! *sigh* One step at a time.)
I’m making all this sound worse than it is though. There was a really great moment this Mother’s Day.
MFH and I got home and couched it while watching the Leafs play. MFH randomly asks me if I’m excited to be a Mom. I wait a couple of beats before answering, because it seems like the kind of question that deserves a serious consideration, right? Of course, I say yes. He nods and says, “Me too. I think you’re going to be a great mom.”
And Ms. I’s small heart grew three sizes that day…